The Land of Canadia
Just got back from my travels in Canadia. There are a lot of things that are great about that wonderful land, including the metric system, degrees in Celcius, bilingual everything, Tim Horton’s, the Maple Leaf flag (which looks cooler than ours, I have to say), the name of the country (“Dominion of Canada” sounds a lot cooler than “US of A”, you gotta admit), and so on. In addition, they can call themselves “Americans” just fine, which puts us USA-ians in the position of finding a new name for ourselves. If you’re from the US, they say you’re from “the States”; so maybe we ought to start saying they’re from “the Provinces”. Then, we could be “States-ians”, and they could be “Provincials”…which, while giving us a dumb name, at least gives them an insulting one.
Canadians really like combos. You know, we get a Biggie Combo, or something like that, which basically involves a sandwich, a drink, and some fries. But when we went to order pizza in Canada, the combo was Pizza, Fries, a Pop, and a Candybar. When we went to order a salad, it came with soda. When you try to buy furniture, it comes with a free TV. Canadians really like the idea of combos.
There are some bad things about Canadia, however. When we tried to cross the border, we discovered that pepper-spray is illegal in Canada. It’s a bad as carrying a gun. We discovered this because we had to have our car searched, and travel across the border 3 times, being harassed at each step, because we dared to accidentally bring pepper-spray onto international land. When I was coming back into the US to try to find a trash can where I could dispose of this illegal substance without coming to bodily harm, the US Customs official sharply reprimanded me, then asked to see the offending substance. As I lifted it up to show him, he barked, “Put it down! Put it down!” as if I were waving a loaded gun in his face.
Anyway, we disposed of this illegal pepper-spray somewhere in Detroit’s 8-Mile.
It was only later that I discovered the truth. While it is completely ILLEGAL to carry around pepper-spray intended for use on humans, if that same pepper-spray had a label that said “BEAR SPRAY” on the front, it becomes completely LEGAL to carry and possess. And if you happen to be accosted by a human criminal, you are free to use “BEAR SPRAY” on him.
So you can bet that next time I go to Canadia, I am carrying a big bottle of BEAR SPRAY.